


Tsukishima Stares

by Swegg



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Borderline Yamaguchi, Depression, Established Relationship, I dunno man its 5 am, I'm too tired tbh, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Misgendering, Self harm thoughts/urges, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trans Yamaguchi Tadashi, Transphobia, Unreliable Narrator, Weird typing I guess, i dunno, maybe if you squint, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 11:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6282451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swegg/pseuds/Swegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi is scared to tell his boyfriend he's not a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tsukishima Stares

  
Three years.

They had been together for three years. Why did it take so long for him to finally think to confess? He had had so many opportunities -- when his parents were away, behind closed doors, after school, on the phone when home alone, before _three whole, solid years_ passed of their relationship.

But there they were, outside of a restaurant.

It was such an easy confession when he thought about it. "Tsuki, I'm not a girl." "Tsuki, I'm trans." "Tsuki--" Why had he waited so long? Because he was an idiot.

Anxiety had always been a problem for Tadashi -- both near and away from Tsukishima. It was an illness that would forever blind and gnaw at him. "He's devastated that his older brother lied to him -- I can't tell him yet!" So he waited. "We're always at practice and we have a lot of homework to do right now." And waited. "Not today..." And waited. "..." And waited.

Until time was running out.

They were third years now -- only two months before they graduated -- before they began another chapter of their lives. So many excuses, so little time! So _stupid_!

And now there they were, outside of a restaurant.

 

After anxiety came the waves of self loathing and depression. All energy and mental stability had deteriorated from the onslaught of anxiety, making way for the second attack.

It was stupid -- He was stupid, and he didn't need intrusive thoughts to tell him that. He knew it all on his own. He was stupid and weak and a terrible, horrible person for wasting his beloved boyfriend's time and energy. Tsukishima deservered better than Tadashi -- he deserved someone who wasn't brainless, someone who wasn't a coward, someone who wasn't living a lie.

He deserved someone who was kind, someone who had patience, someone smart, someone who wasn't negligent, someone who was strong, someone who was honest.

Someone who was _not_ Tadashi.

But here they are, Tsukishima and Tadashi, outside of a restaurant.

It was supposed to be a date -- a normal date where they would eat as much food as they wanted and enjoy one another's company. Tsukishima would ask about his day, Tadashi would say it was fine and give a brief summary.

But here they are, standing outside a restaurant. Tsukishima does not ask him about his day, Tadashi does not  give a brief summary, and neither is enjoying the other's company. Tsukishima is not smiling but unreadable, and Tadashi is jittery and looking unnerved.

 

After the anxiety, depression, and self loathing his energy and mental stability were gone. He was defenseless. Bpd set in.

"What is it you want to talk about?" Tsukkishima quirks an eyebrow, and Tadashi can feel him trying to get a reading.

Panic rises in his throat, and he swallows it along with the bile in his throat. He is doing it, he decides. This is why they were here, standing outside a restaurant. "Ts-Tsukki... I...um," Tadashi looks away, unconsciously curling his hands into fists. "I'm not a girl -- I - I'm trans -- nonbinary."

Tsukishima flips. He yells -- he screeches. He calls Tadashi a liar, snarls at him, and shows how much he would like kick his ass on the spot by pulling at his short blonde locks before going to punching the cement side of the restaurant, knuckles busting. He spits that he never should have trusted her -- he should have known she was a terrible, terrible person. He hates her with all of his being.

He leaves her, distraught and numb all at once. She cries. She goes home. She crawls into bed, where she curls in a ball and waits out the violent urges and suggestions to kill herself because no one deserves to deal with someone like her. She deserves to be punished -- to be alone and broken and torn apart. Until she became too tired and back to his usual feeling of numbness to care.

 

"What is it you want to talk about?" Tsukishima quirks an eyebrow, and Tadashi can feel him trying to get a reading.

Panic rises in his throat, and he swallows it along with the bile in his throat. He is doing it, he decides. This is why they were here, standing outside a restaurant. "Ts-Tsuki... I...um," Tadashi looks away, unconsciously curling his hands into fists. "I'm not a girl -- I - I'm trans -- nonbinary."

Tsukishima stares at him.

He stares and stares, leaving Tadashi scared, scared, scared.

He tastes bile when Tsukishima reaches out for him. He holds his breath and closes his eyes when Tsukishima's hand tangles in his brown locks. The hand doesn't violently tear his hair from his scalp like the motions of his intrusive thoughts. The hand doesn't tug. The hand isn't a fist. The hand is flat. The hand is moving in soothing strokes.

Tadashi opens his eyes, and Kei is smiling faintly. He asks if that was all, Tadashi would nod dumbly, Kei tells him that he had guessed it from a while back, Kei would say that it was okay.

He would stay together with Tadashi, and Tadashi would try not to cry as they walk into the restaurant. Tadashi is hard to love, yet Kei doesn't hate him for it.

 

"What is it you want to talk about?" Tsukishima quirks an eyebrow, and Tadashi can feel him trying to get a reading.

Panic rises in his throat, and he swallows it along with the bile in his throat. He is doing it, he decides. This is why they were here, standing outside a restaurant. "Ts-Tsuki... I...um," Tadashi looks away, unconsciously curling his hands into fists. "I'm not a girl -- I - I'm trans -- nonbinary."

Tsukishima stares. Tsukkishima squints.

Tadashi hunches up his shoulders. He wants to be smaller -- to disappear.

Tsukishima asks if she is sure, how does she know, says that it must be a phase.

Tadashi squeaks out an argument -- tries to use her anxiety as a tool for battle. She confesses to feeling like this since middle school and experimenting behind his back ever since. It works somewhat. He feels worse and his voice shakes, but he gets his point across.

Tsukishima shakes his head then sighs. He coerces her into going into the restaurant for dinner. He needs time to think, he says.

The days pass, weeks pass, months pass, years pass.

They don't say it, but they have broken up.

Tadashi is numb and cares less and less as time goes on. He continues his life.

 

"What is it you want to talk about?" Tsukkishima quirks an eyebrow, and Tadashi can feel him trying to get a reading.

Panic rises in his throat, and he swallows it along with the bile in his throat. He is doing it, he decides. This is why they were here, standing outside a restaurant. "Ts-Tsukki... I...um," Tadashi looks away, unconsciously curling his hands into fists. "I'm not a girl -- I - I'm trans -- nonbinary."

Tsukishima stares.

Tadashi panics. Bile rises to his throat and tears well in his eyes.

Tsukishima's being melts and reareanges itself into a mess of trembling shapes.

Tadashi blinks away the tears, but begins to sob. He wipes his eyes for a few minutes or hours as he cries.

Tsukishima is not there when he looks up.

He is met by his bedroom wall.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm scared to tell my boyfriend I'm not a girl tomorrow.


End file.
